Most people think that grocery shopping is an easy thing, and they’re right. It’s very simple if you know how. Unfortunately, 99.97% of people were apparently born with their heads up their asses, and as such the process of grocery shopping has been greatly complicated over the years. To help unravel these timeless mysteries, I am now going to offer a blow by blow guide on How to Shop (Correctly). As I teaser, I present this prelude, which involves shopping carts.
Shopping carts are an amazing invention. Durable, easy to use, great for slapping advertisements on, and almost completely immune to all forms of abuse. (This includes everything from being rammed into doorways to projectile vomit) Unfortunately, they have not yet invented the shopping cart that will wheel itself back into the store once you are finished unloading your groceries into your car. Unless you are kind enough to return the cart to the lobby from which it came, or have a friendly grocery store employee help you to your car, you are left with only one option: Placing the cart into a nearby corral so that it may be picked up by an employee at a later date and shuttled back into the lobby where the whole process may begin again.
Some stores have fancy machines that do this for you, but I live in the South. We’re made of sterner stuff than that, and we don’t need no fancy technological thingamajigs to do our cart pushing for us. We’ve got people for that! Also, we’re really, really dumb and forgot how to turn the damn thing on.
So. You’ve gotten your groceries, put them in your car, and placed a cart in the corral. You leave the parking lot, your mission accomplished. Excellent. Have a nice day. Now, here comes a helpful employee to retrieve the carts that have been left behind by individuals such as yourself! The employee, either in an effort to be efficient or to show off, takes anywhere from six to ten carts, lines them up in a row, and begins to push them back inside the store. Granted, this is an uphill journey, but with enough momentum anything is possible! Unfortunately, momentum is a cruel mistress. Once on her way she is not easily dissuaded, which means that anything in front of you is doomed to be squashed underneath the collective force of these heavy carts. “Oh noes!” you say. “What ever shall I do?”
It’s simple. First, here is a list of things NOT to do.
- Do NOT walk in front of the carts. Contrary to popular rumor, they are not held together by magic and will fly apart at the slightest disruption in aforementioned momentum, hitting you in the process. Also, despite their best efforts, the helpful employee pushing said carts is helpless to do anything about this. Unless the helpful employee is secretly Mr. Fantastic.
- Do NOT place stray carts in the way of the helpful employee. This is especially important in the lobby, where the new carts are rejoining their metallic brethren. They cannot return to their families if you have placed a stray cart in the way. More to the point, why have you abandoned this poor creature in the middle of the road, to be run over by its friends and relatives? Why, Shopper? This action can only lead to pain and suffering, and as we all know, that leads to the Dark Side. I realize they have cookies and all, but seriously. It’s mean.
- Do NOT attempt to run over the helpful employee with your car. Generally speaking, employees of any profession are deathly allergic to being flattened underneath several tons of machinery and have no compunction about fucking up your paint job if it means we get to escape with our lives. Keep that in mind.
- Do NOT stand in the way of the helpful employee while getting a cart to begin your shopping experience. Again, I must stress, carts are not held together with super strong strips of velcro, magic, super glue, or the karmic energy of the universe. If you are standing in front of a row of oncoming carts while getting your cart, (and perhaps your cell phone, debit card, or compact to make sure that your hair is oh so perfect just in case you meet your One True Love over the broccoli) chances are good you will be hit by the oncoming carts; again in spite of the best efforts of the helpful employee who has just pushed eight heavy metallic carts uphill from halfway across the parking lot. Stopping that much momentum is a tiring experience, not to mention difficult. Please be considerate!
- Do NOT assemble barbecque sets and then place them in such a way that they come within mere inches of you every time you push in more than two carts. I’m looking at you, Mr. Manager. It’s February. Nobody wants to barbecque anyway.
- Do NOT park in front of the entrance to the store. Contrary to popular belief, carts are not ninjas in disguise. They are objects with a certain size and mass that cannot be changed. (At least, not without a flamethrower.) Therefore, they are not able to transform themselves and flow effortlessly through the tiny, tiny hole you have left available for people to move through while you unload your aged human cargo next to the front doors. Just saying.
- Do NOT assume all carts are the same shape and size. Because they aren’t. If you are unsure what size and shape your cart is, simply look at it. If your brain and both eyes are functioning, you should be able to discern this difference with ease.
- Do NOT push carts of one size into carts of another size. This will cause the next helpful employee to encounter said carts to swear loudly, exposing nearby children to levels of profanity they thought they could only find at home, thus shocking them and sending them into comas that could last for up to a week. Please, think of the children.
And, finally…
- Please DO feel free to tip any helpful employees you see pushing carts into the store. This is a much harder job than bagging your groceries and carrying them to the car, and honestly, at this point they could probably use the pick-me-up.
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That concludes this How to Shop prelude. I hope you enjoyed it and were able to take away some useful tips for the next time you head down to the corner market. Also, if you are someone who has broken any of the above rules, please do the world a favor and die quietly in your sleep tonight! Have a nice day and please come see us again! =D