So I’ve officially spent the better part of this last week trying to work up the nerve to write this blog post.
A lot has changed for me recently, and putting it all down on “paper” has been a bit difficult. Most of it doesn’t need to be talked about, at least not in a public venue, and that’s partly the reason I’ve been silent for so long. I wanted to take some time to let my emotions die down so I didn’t say anything needlessly hurtful or upsetting where the internet could get to it and punt it around. As far as I’m concerned, that’s the mature thing to do in these situations.When I was younger, I didn’t know how to do that very well, and it caused a lot of grief. But at the same time, it does make it hard to keep up with a blog, since it makes an internet journal pretty boring if you don’t write anything. =P As such, I apologize to my (albeit few) subscribers for being silent for so long. It wasn’t anything personal, I promise.
OK, so, long story short: A lot of stuff happened between me and my now ex-boyfriend a few months ago, none of which will be recapped here. It didn’t go quite the way I’d hoped, but it’s done with now and in the past. Honestly, despite how painful and upsetting it was, I’m much happier now. That might sound a bit harsh, but it’s the truth, and if there’s anything I’ve learned over the past two years, it’s that honesty is the most important thing–ESPECIALLY honesty with yourself. That was actually my main problem…I got so wrapped up in being impressive, being “cool” and being appealing to someone else that I forgot to be myself. Eventually, I even came around to the thought that who I was wasn’t good enough, which is quite possibly the most damaging thing you can do to yourself. Walking around every day thinking that who you are is bad, unworthy, or generally flawed is an awful burden to carry, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Thankfully, I’m a strong person, with a good sense of self. I could only manage to bury who I was for so long before it gave me the finger and came back to the surface, loud and clear. And honestly, even though it was really painful at first, it feels wonderful to be myself again. To say what I think, all the time, without worrying about whether or not it damages my relationship. It’s not even that what I want to say is particularly acerbic. But I can’t even begin to describe how wonderfully freeing it is to be able to say simple (and yet entirely honest) stuff like “I think that’s kind of dumb” or “I don’t like that” or “I couldn’t disagree with that opinion more; here’s why” or “Yeah, you really screwed up that game, you suck at this character, don’t play them again” or even “[insert actor/actress name here] is fucking hot, I would totally make out with them at the drop of a hat” without worrying about someone else being hurt, or sulking, or just generally pitching a fit. I didn’t even realize how much I was holding back until I didn’t have to hold back anymore. And in point of fact, being myself without worry has led me into a new relationship which makes me deliriously happy and I never even saw coming. 
You know who you are. *kiss*
And that, I think, is the simplest and easiest way to tell if a relationship is good for you or not. I was too busy judging it in broad strokes, too busy looking at the Big Picture and the Big Stuff. But that’s not what really matters. What’s truly important is the little stuff. As I said not too long ago in a different venue, it’s like background music in a movie. If it’s good, you barely notice it. If it’s bad, it takes you out of the experience. And if it isn’t even there to begin with, then it can ruin an entire scene. Being with someone is like a movie. Get the background music right, and the rest is likely to fall into place exactly the way it should, because you’ve attracted someone based on who you really are, not who you pretend to be. If you’re aiming for anything longer than a one-night stand, it’ll make you both happier.
All right, enough super serious LIFE LESSONZ WITH MANDARAY. (TM) Back to your regularly scheduled programming! I’ll be back later with more fun, light-hearted posts now that I’ve finally gotten all the heavy stuff out of the way.
